Watch Out! Gringos Send UFO’s to Mexico Border

And by UFO’s I mean to say Unmanned Flying Objects.

Just in time for this upcoming Season to be Jolly, the U.S. government has unveiled a “super” idea: It will begin using military predator drones to catch illegal immigrants along the U.S.-Mexico border. These babies, which are currently used by the military in Iraq and Afghanistan, cost only $13.5 million each, but can fire two AGM-114 Hellfire missiles… which must be like shit scary stuff.

[Chances are your Transborder Immigrant Tool will not be of much assistance in helping you make it across unscratched.]

Ah… Isn’t it satisfying to see your taxes being put to good use?

Shakira Goes to Oxford. Forgets to Take Bruiser

Shakira (the artist formerly known as a nice, Spanish-speaking non-blond Colombian singer) this week visited Oxford University, where she put a call for “universal access to education as a tool for world peace,” and blah, blah, blah…

Which is, like, super nice, though I just want to know one thing: Where on Earth was Bruiser?

Hat tip: Barbara Anderson

Hispanic New Yorkers Find Novel Way to Mess Up their Offspring

If you thought U.S.-born Hispanics didn’t have enough tribulations, consider this: Their parents have found a novel way to screw them up from a very tender age, by giving them names their abuela (and probably themselves) will not be able to pronounce.

According to the New York City Department of Health, the most popular name among Hispanic males is now Jayden, surpassing the always popular Daniel and Michael, while Ashley is now a favorite among the little Latinas.

Other names in the top ten among Hispanics: Brandon, Genesis, Joshua and Brianna.

[And you want us to grow up like normal people?]

What ever happened to José and Lupita?

Pancho Villa is About to Look This Sexy

Because I’m sure you’re wondering what Johnny Depp and Emir Kusturica are up to….

The most beautiful man in the world (according to this blogger, of course) has been tapped by the Serbian director to play Pancho Villa in the upcoming film Seven Friends of Pancho Villa and the Woman With Six Fingers, a movie I know nothing about, but I’m sure will make Depp look a bit sexier than Willy Wonka.

Oh, and in case you were wondering: Salma Hayek -who else- will be playing the woman with six fingers (which makes me want to stick one up to her out of pure envy.)

No Green Card?????… No Toys for You!

Well, it looks like Santa will not be showing his gentle, white face to thousands of children in the Houston area.

The reason? Some local charities are asking whether children are in the country legally before giving them toys.

According to the Houston Chronicle:

The Salvation Army and a charity affiliated with the Houston Fire Department are among those that consider immigration status, asking for birth certificates or Social Security cards for the children.

So now you know.

Want to give your child some true joy this Christmas? Just get him or her a freakin’ Social Security Number!

The ‘Guadalupe Scale’ Offers Personalized Message in Spanish. Mine Said: ¡Deja de Tragar!

Driving back home from Washington D.C. this weekend I stopped in charming Freehold, New Jersey only to find this machine waiting for me at the entrance of a crowded public restroom.

Manufactured by Impulse Industries, the Guadalupe Scale offers Latinos a chance to find out how much they weight AND receive -at no additional charge- a free, inspirational message from none other than the Patrona de México.

Brimming with joy, I jumped on the Guadalupe Scale only to have La morenita scold me for the excess turkey, pumpkin and alcoholic beverages I gobbled down this past weekend.

“Step off, and ¡Deja de tragar!” she told me.

Good Lord! I guess it’s time for me to seek Dr. Manny’s advice

CBS Wants you to Know Shakira is an Ivy League Graduate, Somehow Linked to ‘Sex and the City’

UPDATED: SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE AT CBSNEWS.COM READ THIS BLOG, SO THE COLUMBIA SLIP-UP HAS BEEN FIXED ONLINE. [THANK GOD FOR SCREEN GRABS]

Turns out Univision’s CEO, Joe Uva, is not the only who is nuts about things hailing from Columbia.

CBS Katie Couric recently sat down to interview Shakira, upon which she concluded the singer is some sort of a Colombian version of Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw.

Yet, someone at cbsnews.com thought it was much more appropriate -and less third-worldly- to make the singer a ‘Columbian’ instead of a Colombian.

Click here to watch the full interview with the “Columbian” singer, formerly known as a Colombian singer.