The Jolie-Pitts Want South American Bundle of Joy

And speaking of brown, adopted babies, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt want to spice up their multi-ethnic, racially-diverse and weirdly-named clan with a bundle of joy hailing from South America.

“They are looking into one of the more impoverished countries, possibly Bolivia or Paraguay,” says New York Post’s Liz Smith about the couple’s intention to adopt a new baby.

That’s cute. I just hope the poor angel will not end up bearing a weird name like those the Pitts are so fond of. How about Pedrito? Lupe? Laurita?

Scandinavian Latinas Land on El Show de Cristina

No matter how much you hear about “brown power” this and that, Hispanic television is here to remind you that those who hold the celebrity power are always the güeritos.

In the photo: Laura Flores, Erika Buenfil and Gaby Spanic show off their kindred on El Show de Cristina (Sept. 29, 2008

Psssst! Don’t be fooled by Laura Flores’ baby… He is adopted.

OMG You Guys! Moctezuma and Cortés Were an Item

Ever wondered why the Mexican empire fell in the hands of a bunch of bearded, uninteresting Spaniards? Well, according to Mexican writer and career diplomat José Luis Basulto Ortega, the whole thing was nothing but an amorous gesture between two lovers:

“El Imperio de México fue un obsequio de Moctezuma a Hernán Cortés como parte del cortejo amoroso que tuvieron”, (Mexico’s empire was a gift from Moctezuma to Cortés as part of the amorous relationship they had) Basulto writes in his most recent book Culioni: Historia de una lágrima.

Basulto claims to have “fifteen documents” that irrefutably prove a homosexual relationship between Cortés and Moctezuma, and that, in a nutshell, Mexico was lost because of a queer (“México se perdió por una loca.”)

I wonder now if Santa Anna and David G. Burnett were getting cozy by the time we lost Texas… Oh, dear.

Sorry Latinas: When it Comes to the Bedroom, Blondes are More Adventurous… and Have More Fun

Forget about all you’ve heard about Brown-Power and Brown Being the New Blond. As of today, I will be dying my hair blond. The reason? “Women who dye their hair blond are more confident, less inhibited and have better moods than those who remain au naturel.” concluded a group of researchers at the University of Nottingham. And that is not all.

“Those with lightened locks are also more likely to ask someone out, complain at unfair treatment, be more adventurous in the bedroom, ask for a pay rise, or be assertive with friends.”

Adventurous in the bedroom? Man! and to think I’ve been wearing the wrong hair color all these years…. [sigh.]

Calderón Goes to USA, No Permission Asked

You might not know this, but Mexico’s illegitimate President Felipe Calderón managed to get all the way to the Big Apple without asking the Congress for permission. And that is because a recent change in the Mexican Constitution now allows presidents to take short trips abroad without seeking consent from Congress. (And you know how mean Mexico’s Congress can get, denying Mr. Fox permission to travel abroad… twice.)

So … while we’re in the change-the-Constitution mode, perhaps we could tweak it a tiny bit more just so that he will now be required to ask fellow Mexicans permission to go back. I’m sure the answer will be a resounding: No!!!!!!

Bloomy Thinks His Spanish Sucks

No matter how much time New York City Mayor spends with his Colombian tutor, he continues to lament the sorry state of his Spanish-language skills:

Here’s his candid answer to this month’s Proust Questionnaire in Vanity Fair:

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My Spanish. I’ve been studying for seven years and I still speak como un novato.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo: Taken from Vanity Fair (October 2008 issue)

Former Top Model Claims McCain Was ‘Gostosinho’

You can say anything you want about John McCain but the man surely knew how to kiss… or so says Brazilian former model María Gracinda, who claims to have spent the hottest week ever with John McCain many moons ago.

In an interview with the newspaper Extra, Gracinda described the young McCain as gostosinho (cuddly), carinhoso (affectionate) and romantic and noted he called her ‘my coconut bonbon.’

Although she dated many important men all her life, the 77-year-old woman is reportedly still living alone. So perhaps Mr. McCain would like to do us all a favor, reconsider the whole thing and rejoin his lost bombón.

That would be muito gostoso!

This Lady Wants your [Foreign] Tongue

There is politically correct advertising, and then there is Vicky Form.

In this print ad -found in Vanidades magazine- the lingerie line introduces us to Erika Maldonado, a seemingly normal (and hopefully professional) translator with a knack for foreign lenguas (tongues.)

Judging from what she is [barely] wearing, one can only assume the lenguas she claims to love are not exactly native tongues nor mother tongues, but just tongues. Then again, we see the Spanish, French and Italian flags falling mysteriously from the sky.

(I did a lousy job cutting this ad, but I swear Erika is clutching a French dictionary in her right hand.)

Oh, la, lá!

Yahoo, Google Catch Patriotic Fever

As you may imagine, I’m way too hungover tired to write anything on this slow, cloudy Sixteen of September in Mexico, so I’d better leave you with these cute banners, which are actually more fun to watch while under the influence.

Meanwhile in Hispanic Marketing Land…

Patrick Bertoletti, an American competitive eater from Chicago, consumed 127 jalapeños in eight minutes.

The stunt was part of La Costeña’s annual Feel the Heat Jalapeño Eating Championship Challenge to commemorate Mexican Independence Day.

Because, you know, that’s how Mexicans like to celebrate our independence.

Ay, ay, ay!

Celebrate Mexican Independence Like the Locals

I hope by now you are aware that Cinco de Mayo is NOT Mexico’s Independence Day. Sixteen of September is, and the bash actually kicks off on the night of the 15, so by the time the 16 actually arrives, everybody is just too drunk to remember anything. But while I’m still indulging in all-things Mexico these days, I decided to put together a quick list of the Five Things you Must Do to Celebrate El Grito in this increasingly fucked up globalized country.

1. Buy a Made-in-China Mexican flag.

2. Go to your nearest Walmart and stuck up on the cheapest non-Agave Tequila. (The real one is too expensive for the average Mexican, and its production is already exclusive for export.)

3. Tell your wife you want your pozole spicy, even if she cannot afford to buy meat anymore.

4. Tune in the Canal de las Estrellas to witness our pathetic president yell ¡Viva México! repeatedly

5. Yell ¡Viva México! -repeatedly- right after the president. Hopefully by this time you’ll be too wasted on the fake-Tequila methanol to feel any shame.

Repeat as many times necessary until you feel a true patriotic fervor. ¡Viva México! ¡Viva México! ¡Viva México!

Mexican Pigs Don’t Wear Lipstick. Monkeys Wear Silk

Following the brouhaha surrounding Mr. Obama’s lipstick on a pig remark, I decided to let Mr. McCain on a little secret: Saying that “You can put lipstick on a pig; it’s still a pig,” doesn’t necessarily mean that you are calling somebody a pig. (Although one can always argue that a gun-loving, pro-death penalty, anti-abortion pig wouldn’t look any cuter on make-up.)

Of course, Mexicans couldn’t care less for pigs or lipsticks. We prefer to call a female monkey dressed in silk just a monkey: Aunque la mona se vista de seda, mona se queda.

How I wish everybody could master the beauty of popular wisdom!

Having Nothing Else to Buy in Mexico, Carlos Slim Buys Stake in the New York Times

And speaking of smart investments, Mexican mogul Carlos Slim has just spent $128 million to acquire a 6.4% of The New York Times, just because there is nothing more satisfying to a Mexican than owning an influential newspaper al otro lado. Or perhaps he just ran out of stuff to acquire down here.

Very soon, sooner than you think, the paper’s name will be changed to “El Taims” and there will be lots of T&A, soccer and Sanborn’s ads. ¡Viva México!

Photo: Keith Dannemiller

Mexico City’s Chinatown Will be ‘Deluxe’

I just learned today that a group of Chinese companies are plunking down $350 million to build a “deluxe Chinatown” in Mexico City, which is expected to be “very similar to the one found in New York City” according to the local press.

That’s nice. But, can somebody please tell me where to go to find New York City’s deluxe Chinatown? last time I checked there was no lujo to be found around. But maybe that’s just me…

Wanna Look Like This? Eat Lots of M&M’s

After 6 days and 15 hours in Mexico City, stuffing myself with tacos de canasta, chiles en nogada and the like, I failed to see that what a lady needs to look forever thin is a good amount of M&M’s. At least that is according to Eva Longoria.

“Premium M&M’s offer a little bit of luxury with each bite,” Eva Longoria Parker, told Marketing y Medios, “noting that her favorite candy is the mocha, then rethinking her choices and correcting herself, saying that she enjoys all five varieties of the chocolate candies.”

Oh dear, and to think that I’ve been making the wrong food choices all these days… I guess it’s time to turn to the Hot Latin Diet.